Faith was not central to my life until I moved to LA after law school. I was raised and confirmed in the Episcopal Church but never cracked open a bible or engaged in prayer outside of church. In LA, I attended my first bible study, fell in love with contemplative prayer, and broke out in tongues during a praise and worship night. My faith journey has been a wild ride for the past 25 years; training and teaching small groups, healing ministries, biblical counseling, relationship counseling and speaking at events. Surrounded by a beautifully rich faith community, my cup was running over. I immersed myself in studying scripture and sharing worship and the Eucharist with others across many denominations. In 2010 the surprise of my life showed up.
Nothing like cancer to wake you up out of the movie you call life. Shortly after the diagnosis, I remember vividly, almost audibly, hearing God say; “step over it and keep on going.”
WAIT WHAT?
What the heck did that mean! How do you step over cancer like it’s a piece of freshly chewed gum carelessly deposited on the sidewalk?
My attitude was anything but carefree. Cancer catapulted me headfirst into a mountain of fear. My body was frozen in shock and my mind was a whirlpool of fret. The fear of the unknown and where this journey would culminate kicked everything into overdrive.
I attended numerous healing conferences for over a year and a half. I knew miracles were possible, they did happen…. well, sometimes. Of the many scriptures I mulled over, Mark 11:23 merited a notecard on the bathroom mirror: “Truly I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and cast into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says is going to happen, it will be granted him.”
It seems silly now, that trust and belief required such a fight. I was determined to do everything right, as if the entirety of my well-being was up to me. From the laying on of hands, weekly prayer meetings, being anointed with oil, fasting and sorting through any childhood” trauma,” to pic-lines, high dose vitamin C, oxygen tents, gobs of daily supplements and crazy diets. I put up a hell-of-a-fight, only to be told in November 2012; “if you don’t start chemo immediately, you will die.” Was the past year and a half all for naught? Had I wasted ridiculous amounts of time, money and grief only to end up sitting in a chemo chair with solutions marked as toxic running through my veins? Can you say “Hope deferred?”
Thank goodness for family and a solid faith community that carried me through with prayer, love, and incredible support. A year after treatment, I started having food allergies and digestive issues. I found myself with a new arch enemy; food! For a year I diligently followed the protocol of an MD who also practiced energy medicine. Not seeing much physical improvement, he sent me down the hall to his colleague because “your issues are emotional.” I wasn’t sure if I wanted to cry or laugh in utter disbelief. Going down the hall opened the door to a plethora of energy medicine modalities; meditation, Reiki, acupressure, tuning fork therapy, network spinal analysis, body talk, and Bowen therapy to name a few.
The wisdom, miracles, and people on my path were undeniably God’s grace and love continuing to push me out of my comfort zone. The more I trusted and felt inside my body, the more I realized this vast open space of infinite possibility I was being wooed into was ME. Standing outside my thoughts and beyond my mind, I got a glimpse of my well-being. This untouchable presence that was not phased by cancer, terrified by the horrors of life, or bothered by life’s injustices. My well-being had been there all along, sparkling like a diamond, hidden in plain view.
With widen eyes and guidance from the Holy Spirit, I realized I was not diluting Jesus, Christ, or my faith tradition. I was shedding a cocoon of un-embodied faith. Faith in someone and something out there, beyond me, that had yet to physically engulf me. My trip down the hall turned out to be repentance; turning from transactional faith to transformative faith. From a faith steeped in long-held beliefs to an intimacy not within my control. Wow! I got a glimpse of no longer thinking my prayers, but energetically feeling them. I actually could rest in what is (Christ IN me) rather than trying to pull an infinite God into my finite made-up world. Many faith communities talk about moving faith from the head to the heart, but moving into the body was a wild card, sometimes friend sometimes foe.
Embodied faith gave me eyes to see stepping over cancer and Mark 11 with a new light. Cancer isn’t something you can touch. It may be detected in blood and seen as tumors on a CT or MRI, but as a whole, no one can point to or hold a physical “thing” we call cancer. Anita Moorjani sums it up this way: “Cancer is just a symptom. Fear is the disease.” The mountain that we are invited to take up and cast into the sea in Mark 11:23 characterizes our thoughts. Inner wisdom was telling me to “step over my mind” and keep on going so the fearful thoughts of the mind could no longer destroy me. Surprisingly the “it,” to step over, wasn’t cancer. My mind, that innocently constructed a mountain of fear, had to shove off for the fears and doubts to leave. Once fear and doubt settle, the body, by divine design, starts to put itself back together again. Although we may not get the exact outcome we desire, we will always be ok because the Intelligence that grows trees, develops embryos and orchestrates our solar system is inside us.
I’m still on a faith journey, but the landscape sure looks a lot different these days. It’s less a journey and more a collaborative exploration. It’s less about noticing and trying to correct my external circumstances and more about catching a glimpse of the consistent flow of miracles. The mystery and the wonder keep me in the game. Embodied faith ensures Heaven is fully available in every moment.
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